monsoonmartin

In the past 10 to 15 years, bottled water has become as ubiquitous in our culture as cell phones, play dates, and Britney Spears. As George Carlin observed in an early-90s routine, “What happened in this country that now, suddenly, everyone is walking around with their own personal bottle of water? When did we get so thirsty in America? Is everybody so dehydrated they have to have their own portable supply of fluids with them at all times? Get a drink before you leave the house!” And yet, in more recent appearances, Carlin typically totes along a water bottle of his very own.

Much has been made of the fact that the human body (like our planet) is about two-thirds water, and we replenish up to 90% of our water each day. Undeniably, it is far more healthful to reach for water than for a cola or fruit drink to quench our thirsts. Given these factors, and the fact that convenience has been elevated to the status of a universal human right in our society, bottled water isn’t likely going anywhere anytime soon.

And though I try to be environmentally conscientious, I have taken a liking to a bottled water or two in my day. In the English planning room, we have a water cooler that uses Crystal Spring water in reusable jugs that are delivered biweekly. Encouragingly, the water in these jugs is bottled locally, cutting down on travel time and pollution.

It occurred to me, though, that this multibillion-dollar bottled water industry had sprung out of nothing in the past 20 years at most. It’s one of the rarest triumphs in free-market capitalism: creating a perceived need among consumers where none at all existed before. The question for most consumers is not “Will I purchase bottled water?” but “Which bottled water will I purchase?” Since one of my fondest pursuits in life is sticking it to The Man—or to thwart The Man in his efforts to stick it to me—I thought I’d conduct a blind taste test of various available waters and see if these bottled waters were all they claim to be. I have no illusions that I will be forever able to kick the bottled water habit, but maybe the results of my wildly unscientific study will give me (and, just possibly, you, dear reader) pause before grabbing for that next bottle of water.

I lined up six different water sources—some popular, some more obscure—and poured them in glasses so that I could not tell which water I was drinking. Then I forgot which water was in which glass, so I had to start over and label the glasses with a code, and I was on my way. The six contestants: Deer Park, Voss, Dasani, Iceland Spring, Fiji, and of course, good old municipal Adamstown tap water.

(I eschew flavored waters like Dasani with raspberry and kiwi and the like because if I want a freaking fruit juice I’m just going to get a freaking fruit juice, not some watery confection; vitaminwater, which is seen everywhere in my school—perhaps because there’s a machine selling it in the cafeteria—but has as much caloric and sugar content as a typical glass of fruit juice; and other permutations. I was only interested in water that claimed to be “pure” or unadulterated in some way. I am also aware that there are about 5,000 other brands of water out there, including Evian, Dannon, Aquafina, Pure Choice, and many more. Finally, I know there are products like the Brita filter that create purified water from tap water, but we used to have one of these and it was a pain in the arse. So I chose these as what I feel is a representative sample.)

Below are my findings…

VOSS artesian water from Norway, which sells at local Turkey Hill markets: $1.59 for a half-liter. (“Artesian” means simply that its source is an underground aquifier whose groundwater rises to the surface rather than having to be pumped out.) The label says it’s “naturally pure water, free of sodium, low in minerals, and incomparable in taste.” The sodium bit is an obvious swipe at the likes of Dasani, which adds sodium to its product (more on that later). It comes in an ingeniously designed bottle that looks like a hairspray canister with a red stripe and a gray top. One of the most outstanding design features is the bottle’s wide mouth, which seems to be about 50% bigger than standard bottles, allowing for bigger gulps and more comprehensive palate coverage.

I found Voss, in the blind taste test, to be clean, crisp and totally refreshing. There is a very slightly bitter aftertaste—the purity of the water is too much, no doubt, for my coarse palate—that I find eminently pleasing. When I take a swig of Voss, I feel as though I am gliding contentedly down the glacial fjords of Norway’s northern coast.

There is an internet rumor that Voss (as has been suggested about other “pure” bottled waters) is actually just Norwegian tap water. This is an ugly and unfounded allegation, and I reject it. Ranking: 2^nd of 6

ICELAND SPRING natural Icelandic spring water, which also sells at Turkey Hill, among other places: $1.09 per half liter. It’s filtered through lava, says the label, in the mountains of Iceland, and bottled in Reykjavik. The label also trumpets its low mineral content and notes that Icelanders, who have the highest life expectancy of any nationality in the world, credit this water for their longevity. The bottle is of the typical contoured plastic design, but also includes opaque and craggy sections that call to mind mountainous terrain or an iceberg.

I found Iceland Spring to be fine, but not as smooth as Voss. On the second and third gulps I became aware of a harsh aftertaste, and actually a pretty unpleasant during-taste as well. The absence of flavor is jarring. When I drink Iceland Spring, I feel as though I am sailing down a glacial river in Iceland much like the idyllic fjord of Voss—but this time I am seized, my head is dunked violently underwater, and then I am returned to the safety of the boat. Ranking: 6^th of 6

FIJI natural Artesian water can be purchased at many grocery and convenience stores, usually for roughly 99 cents for a half-liter (less per liter for larger sizes or cases). Fiji, which is bottled on the Fiji islands, takes great pains on its label to associate the water with an earlier, cleaner time. Fiji water flowed through the mountains before the Industrial Revolution, it insists, and is therefore untouched by pollution. (Despite my love for the product, I find this claim logistically dubious.) Fiji also trumpets its silica content, which is said to promote smoothness. Its bottle has flora and fauna to suggest a sense of place, evoking a tranquil, tropical paradise.

Fiji was my first dalliance into “exotic” bottled waters, and far and way my favorite. It’s got a nice, markedly softer taste than either Icelandic or Voss. It has some of the flavor of tap water without being gritty or unpleasant. Drinking Fiji makes me feel as though I am lounging blissfully on a tropical beach, utterly refreshed—OK, wait. No, that’s not a nice milieu. I’d be too hot on a tropical beach, and the sand (fine and milky though it might be) would throw me into a pissy-pants tizzy and a frantic search for a Wet-Nap, and set off my OCD in the most obnoxious way. So instead: it makes me feel as though I am in an air-conditioned room, looking out the window at a lush, tropical paradise. Ranking: 1^st of 6

DEER PARK (“…that’s good water”) can be purchased at any number of places, and is also available for home or business delivery, much like Crystal Springs mentioned above. Its cost is considerably lower than the “exotics” above: $1.19 per gallon typically. It is bottled at a variety of locations, but primarily originates from springs deep in the Appalachian Mountains of western Maryland. Deer Park’s containers have changed of late to more “environmentally friendly” designs, and the largest available jug has recesses built into one side, making it much easier to pick up.

Deer Park somehow manages to be both more filling and more bland than the other contestants thus far. It has a silty aftertaste not present with the others. There are clearly more minerals here—and perhaps, more contaminants—but they don’t add to the taste appreciably. Ranking: 5^th of 6

DASANI is Coca-Cola’s water, and easily the most popular of the “plain” bottled waters; it is for sale everywhere, and a one-liter bottle costs 99 cents. Dasani is tap water that has been purified using a process called reverse osmosis. The label also indicates that it’s been “enhanced with minerals for a pure, fresh taste” and contains magnesium sulfate, potassium chloride, and salt (for taste).

The sodium and mineral content in Dasani is evident from the first sip, though the label insists the salt is “negligible.” I can’t help but wonder if this is part of Dasani’s marketing strategy: consumers will drink Dasani to be refreshed, but that modicum of salt will leave them with a bit of unexplained lingering thirst, leading them to reach for another bottle of Dasani. The taste of this water is full-bodied, but also artificial in an indefinable way. Ranking: 4^th of 6

ADAMSTOWN MUNICIPAL TAP WATER is available exclusively in Adamstown, Pennsylvania. The cost of this water for Adamstown residents is $21.85 for up to 3000 gallons, or less than a penny per gallon. It is gotten from wells in the Hammer Creek formation and is tightly controlled by the EPA (unlike most bottled waters), having been certified fit to consume. Tap water typically contains small amounts of chlorine, fluoride, aluminum sulfate, hydrogen sulfide, and nitrates.

This tap water is most definitely less “pure” than the likes of Icelandic or Fiji; it looks positively chunky by comparison. But there is a pleasing and unmistakable flavor here that’s missing from those waters that boast low mineral content. I can feel it on my tongue, and it is quite nice. Ranking: 3^rd of 6

Over all, I am impressed with how well tap water stacked up against the spring and purified waters—and when the cost disparity is calculated, it’s staggering. Some bottled waters are more than twice as expensive per gallon as gasoline, and yet few us of turn on the tap (for a lousy penny per gallon) when we’re thirsty.

To be sure, there are those who would point out problems with tap water. Present in tap water are bacteria, radioactive isotopes, pesticides, and even antibiotic traces that have invaded our streams, rivers, lakes, and groundwater. And libertarians get so indignant about the fact that fluoride is infused into municipal water supplies (ostensibly as a dentifrice) that anti-fluoridation movements have sprung up, calling the addition of fluoride “compulsory mass medication” and a governmental intrusion into our lives. Now, I love a good conspiracy theory as much as the next schmo—probably a whole lot more—but god damn. I’m willing to believe that our government is tapping our phones, manipulating what we read—it may have even staged the moon landing, or faked a catastrophe or two. But messing with us by putting fluoride in our water? I just don’t see it.

The key to keep in mind regarding the argument about tap water containing bacteria and other contaminants is that independent studies have routinely found that some bottled waters contain more of these contaminants than municipal tap water! This is because the content of tap water is much more tightly controlled than that of bottled water, which has been tested and sometimes discovered to have higher (and actually rather dangerous) bacteria levels than tap water.

No matter if we choose tap or bottled water, then, it’s not easy to ensure that we’re getting a substance that’s “pure” or healthful at all. In this case, we have to look at other factors to break the tie. It all comes down to the environment.

A case in point is Fiji (where my favorite water in the world comes from). On these islands, clean drinking water is unavailable for a portion of the population, yet thousands of gallons of Fiji spring water are shipped away each day. And the Fiji water that’s made it from the islands to my grocery store has traveled roughly 6,000 miles by ship, plane, and truck—all of which use fossil fuels, and all of which have devastating effects on the environment. Using water like Crystal Spring or Deer Park at least can be defended on the grounds that it has a relatively short trip from source to your refrigerator. But keep in mind as well that only 20% of plastic beverage bottles are ever recycled, adding immeasurably to already-overcrowded landfills and releasing dangerous chemicals into the ground.

Many cities, notably the San Francisco bay area, have initiated programs like “Think Outside the Bottle” to educate people about the environmental impact of bottled water and encourage them to turn on the tap when they’re thirsty.

“Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?” George Carlin once asked. “Try spelling ‘Evian’ backward.”

For my part, I’m going to start making an effort to kick the habit, but I’m not promising anything (sorry, Earth).

Below are some provocative articles on the bottled water controversy—well worth a read:

“Don’t Be Duped By Bottled Water” - http://www.commondreams.org/views05/1012-30.htm

“The Real Cost of Bottled Water” - http://www.commondreams.org/views07/0218-05.htm

$10 a gallon versus 49 cents a year” - http://www.argusobserver.com/articles/2008/02/24/news/us/doc47c13a11a550a689404593.txt

“Bad to the Last Drop” - http://www.nytimes.com/2005/08/01/opinion/01standage.html

Monsoon