My dear readers,
The British-produced mockumentary "Hoff the Record" - which had its debut the other night on the aptly named UK channel Dave, is a brilliant send-up of show business and further proof that David Hasselhoff is an incredibly good sport.
In the first episode (presented below in its glorious entirety), a fictionalized version of The Hoff relocates to the UK to try to jump-start his lagging career. (The fictionalized parts: in the show, David has been divorced five times; in real life, it's twice. Also, in the show--SPOILER ALERT!--he is flabbergasted to learn that he has a German love child named Dieter Hasselhoff, conceived 25 years earlier after the famed Berlin Wall concert; in real life, he has two daughters, Taylor Ann and Hayley. Oh, and the fact that his career is in the toilet in the show; in reality, he is master and commander of all he surveys.)
The (fictionalized) Hoff has a useless manager named Max who has lined up a biopic for David (ostensibly about and starring The Hoff himself). Upon arriving at a dinky airport, Sir Hoff of Hasselhovia is whisked away by a stalkerish and consistently inappropriate driver named Terry Patel, whose first question for his idol is, “Did you ever shag Pamela Anderson, or is she the world’s biggest pricktease?”
[Oh, I should mention that since it's on the telly in the UK, there is plenty of coarse language in "Hoff the Record."]
The Most Hoff is also joined by a personal assistant named Harriet who has no experience as a P.A. - she's a "Ph.D student in malaria."
Soon, David, Duke of Chest Hair, is taken to a soundstage to meet with the biopic's pretentious director, Josh, and the associate producer of the film, who clearly has no idea who he is ("Which one of you is David Hasselhoff?" she asks as she walks up to David, Harriet, and Terry). It quickly becomes clear that the Legendary Hoffmeister is not only not the star of his own biopic--but will be auditioning for the role. Needless to say, and in true mockumentary fashion, the real Hoff is the least favored one.
Some more magical moments from the pilot: when Hasselhoff, Prince of Pecs has his first session with his UK personal trainer, Danny, who greets David by saying, “Freeze. What is wrong with your buttocks? I’m sorry, David, I’m going to need the full name of your last personal trainer. That is a right fucking mess. He’s left you looking like two melted speedbumps. I’m going to have to report him.”
Der Deutscher Sänger-Legende then stumbles upon a younger actor on the soundstage butchering his Berlin Wall anthem, "Looking for Freedom," upon which David wrestles the microphone away from the pretender and belts out the rest--full gyrations and all. The director, looking on, gasps, “It’s kind of weird because a chicken can still walk around after he’s had his head bitten off. And that’s what it was like.” Ouch.
A bit later, the mockumentary tackles perhaps his most infamous film appearance--one involving a hamburger and a whole lot of drinking--as a younger actor rehearses that scene. Der Indignant-Hoff busts in and says, “I made a difference in my life and millions of people’s lives. And one night, I had a bad night. I had a hamburger. I had a bunch of beers. And you know what else? They tasted good. It was a private moment - in my life. And I’m going to do it again. You know when? Tonight. I’m going to have beers, burgers, I’m going to take off my shirt, and I’m going to have a lie-down. And guess what else? You can’t film it. Because it’s a private moment - in my life.” And then--again, because it's a mockumentary and not a docudrama--they fire him. HIM! The very idea.
After the firing he says, “You know what? I feel great. I feel invigorated for the first time since I saved Spongebob’s life.”
Watch the full episode below and be sure to tell me what you think!
I present the greatest thing ever in the history of the world.
Top ten greatest things ever go, in order:
- David Hasselhoff's "True Survivor" video
- The movie Road House
- "The Rockford Files"
- lemon Jolly Ranchers
- a burger from the Lancaster Brewing Company
Here is the video. If you do not watch it, you are depriving yourself of glory.
A weak cold front will move through overnight Sunday to Monday. It will produce a few light snow showers and flurries overnight (between about midnight and 6am). Accumulations will be 0 to 0.1 inches, mostly on grassy surfaces. No travel impacts. No delays or cancellations. (But anytime we're talking about wintry precipitation, it's still officially boot weather.)
Clearing on Monday. Becoming mostly sunny with a high of 56. Monday 3/30 is MC Hammer's 53rd birthday. And on March 30, 1964, Tracy Chapman (singer-songwriter best known for "Fast Car") and Ian Ziering (actor in "90210" and the Sharknado franchise, as well as a memorable turn as host of the all-too-brief reality dance competition, "Your Mama Don't Dance") were both born. I cannot think of any cosmic significance to the fact that they were both born on the same day. But it was information I felt you needed.
Tuesday, March 31st is the 88th birthday of William Daniels, who provided the voice of K.I.T.T. in a little series called "Knight Rider." On the same day in 1927, Cesar Chavez (the great labor leader and civil rights activist) was born. (He has since died, back in 1993.) Again, I cannot peg the cosmic significance here.
Oh, and the weather on Tuesday: generally overcast with a few (rain) showers in the afternoon; high of 48.
Wednesday: sunny, seasonably gorgeous. High of 53.
Thursday: partly sunny and quite mild (but a bit breezy) and a high of 94! Wait, make that 64. But still.
Friday: overcast, a few showers, still mild. High of 66. And it's the 70th birthday of Bernie Parent (pronounced "puh-RAHNT" - he's French Canadian). For the uninitiated, Bernie was the best Flyers goaltender of all time. Flyers, hockey. Ice hockey. A popular regional bumper sticker in his heyday read, "Only the Lord saves more than Bernie Parent." See, when the goalie stops the puck, it's called a "save." (The puck, no, not a urinal puck. The thing they play with. Well I don't know why it's called that! Forget it.) He led the Flyers to two consecutive Stanley Cups (championships) in the mid 1970s.
The weekend: a bit cooler (highs in the low to mid 50s) but sunny and really nice for the first weekend of April.
The following week looks rainy in general with highs fluctuating from the 50s-60s (Mon-Wed) to the 40s (Thu-Fri).
Thereafter, we here at the Monsoon Martin WeatherCenter see a warming trend: highs in the 60s and 70s throughout mid-April.
Enjoy your lives.
And stay tuned for updates!
As of today - Sunday, 3/22/15 - there are 53 days of school remaining. (Not that anyone is counting.)
Really cold tomorrow morning: down to 19. Monday 3/23 will be sunny and breezy with highs around 40. (It's also Moses Malone's 60th birthday.)
Tuesday gets a little milder: high in the mid 40s with sunny skies and calm winds.
Wednesday gets up to 50, but is mostly cloudy with a few showers in the afternoon and evening. It's also Aretha Franklin's 73rd birthday. She is the Queen of Soul. When I was little, I would pronounce her first name as "Urethra" and then giggle madly. Alright, I still do.
3/25 is also the 55th birthday of Haywood Nelson (Dwayne from "What's Happening!!"). Here is the entirety of my exclusive interview with Mr. Nelson:
Monsoon: What's happenin'?
Mr. Nelson: Hey HEY hey!
Monsoon: You are turning 55. Do you enjoy getting older?
Mr. Nelson: Uh-UH!
Monsoon: I enjoyed you in the series "What's Happening!!"
Mr. Nelson: Hey HEY hey!
Monsoon: Good talk.
Mr. Nelson: Uh-UH!
Thursday is rainy and even a little humid with a high of 62! Windy, too. So that's a swing of 43 degrees between Monday morning and Thursday afternoon. ("That's how you get sick," my Nana would say. She would also say, "He doesn't know his ass from a hole in his ass," so it was a mixed bag with her.)
Birthdays on Thursday: James Caan (75), Bob Woodward (72), Diana Ross (71), Vicki Lawrence (66), Martin Short (65), and Keira Knightley (30).
Breezy, chilly, and variably cloudy on Friday with a high of 41.
Next weekend looks seasonably nice: high of 43 on Saturday, near 50 on Sunday. Sunny and dry both days. And Saturday is Vince Vaughn's 45th birthday. And Kate Gosselin's 40th! So Happy Birthday to the pride of Berks County!! (Note: if someone knows her, please tell her that I would be delighted if she'd grant me a birthday interview. Seriously!)
Getting up to 70 (!) by April 1st and 2nd.
Stay tuned for updates!
Winter Weather Advisories have been issued for the northern and western suburbs of Philadelphia as well as Berks and the Lehigh Valley.
I think even in the places where mostly snow falls (mixing only briefly with rain in the afternoon), we're going to get 2-3 inches at most. (Estimates of up to six inches of accumulation are overstated, I think.)
Snow begins by 7 or 8am, continues on and off throughout the day, then drops off starting around 7 or 8pm (then ends by midnight). I think the accumulations are mainly on grassy surfaces. The roads will be a bit slippery initially (maybe up to about 10am), but then should just be slushy and/or wet.
Chance of delay Friday, 35.66%
Chance of cancellation Friday, 27.31%
Chance of early dismissal Friday, 11.94%
It's the 167th birthday of Wyatt Earp, whose eclectic employement history includes stints as a pimp, mining speculator, boxing referee, sheriff, bouncer, shepherd, turnip farmer, and inventor of the iPad. Remember the Gunfight at the OK Corral? Back in the early 1880s? That guy. He died 86 years ago.
So then it still gets warmer on Saturday: high 40s to 50, so all the snow melts.
Stay tuned for updates!