monsoonmartin

My dear readers,

The British-produced mockumentary "Hoff the Record" - which had its debut the other night on the aptly named UK channel Dave, is a brilliant send-up of show business and further proof that David Hasselhoff is an incredibly good sport.

In the first episode (presented below in its glorious entirety), a fictionalized version of The Hoff relocates to the UK to try to jump-start his lagging career.  (The fictionalized parts: in the show, David has been divorced five times; in real life, it's twice.  Also, in the show--SPOILER ALERT!--he is flabbergasted to learn that he has a German love child named Dieter Hasselhoff, conceived 25 years earlier after the famed Berlin Wall concert; in real life, he has two daughters, Taylor Ann and Hayley.  Oh, and the fact that his career is in the toilet in the show; in reality, he is master and commander of all he surveys.)

The (fictionalized) Hoff has a useless manager named Max who has lined up a biopic for David (ostensibly about and starring The Hoff himself).  Upon arriving at a dinky airport, Sir Hoff of Hasselhovia is whisked away by a stalkerish and consistently inappropriate driver named Terry Patel, whose first question for his idol is, “Did you ever shag Pamela Anderson, or is she the world’s biggest pricktease?”

[Oh, I should mention that since it's on the telly in the UK, there is plenty of coarse language in "Hoff the Record."]

The Most Hoff is also joined by a personal assistant named Harriet who has no experience as a P.A. - she's a "Ph.D student in malaria."

Soon, David, Duke of Chest Hair, is taken to a soundstage to meet with the biopic's pretentious director, Josh, and the associate producer of the film, who clearly has no idea who he is ("Which one of you is David Hasselhoff?" she asks as she walks up to David, Harriet, and Terry).  It quickly becomes clear that the Legendary Hoffmeister is not only not the star of his own biopic--but will be auditioning for the role.  Needless to say, and in true mockumentary fashion, the real Hoff is the least favored one.

Some more magical moments from the pilot: when Hasselhoff, Prince of Pecs has his first session with his UK personal trainer, Danny, who greets David by saying, “Freeze.  What is wrong with your buttocks?  I’m sorry, David, I’m going to need the full name of your last personal trainer.  That is a right fucking mess.  He’s left you looking like two melted speedbumps.  I’m going to have to report him.”

Der Deutscher Sänger-Legende then stumbles upon a younger actor on the soundstage butchering his Berlin Wall anthem, "Looking for Freedom," upon which David wrestles the microphone away from the pretender and belts out the rest--full gyrations and all.  The director, looking on, gasps, “It’s kind of weird because a chicken can still walk around after he’s had his head bitten off.  And that’s what it was like.”  Ouch.

A bit later, the mockumentary tackles perhaps his most infamous film appearance--one involving a hamburger and a whole lot of drinking--as a younger actor rehearses that scene.  Der Indignant-Hoff busts in and says, “I made a difference in my life and millions of people’s lives.  And one night, I had a bad night.  I had a hamburger.  I had a bunch of beers.  And you know what else?  They tasted good.  It was a private moment - in my life.  And I’m going to do it again.  You know when?  Tonight.  I’m going to have beers, burgers, I’m going to take off my shirt, and I’m going to have a lie-down.  And guess what else?  You can’t film it.  Because it’s a private moment - in my life.”  And then--again, because it's a mockumentary and not a docudrama--they fire him.  HIM!  The very idea.

After the firing he says, “You know what?  I feel great.  I feel invigorated for the first time since I saved Spongebob’s life.”

Watch the full episode below and be sure to tell me what you think!

Monsoon