monsoonmartin

The latest news about Republican Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin—aside from the McCain campaign’s continued refusal to make her available for press conferences, as well as her suddenly uncooperative stance regarding the Alaska attorney general’s investigation into the scandal that’s become known as Troopergate—is that she’s got a new campaign song. (It seems the 80s girl-rockers Heart nixed the McCain campaign’s use of “Barracuda”—after Sarah’s nickname—when introducing her at events.)

Palin’s people have chosen a song written by Pat Garrett, local sheepskin merchant and country-western singer/songwriter who lives in Strausstown (in northern Berks County—again, the pride I feel here is almost vomitous) called “Moose Shootin’ Mama.”

I’m going to let that song title—and the fact that it was chosen as the theme song for a major party’s Vice-Presidential candidate—sink in for a moment while before I go on, because when I first read about this, I almost felt I could not continue. You may even want to get up, take a brisk walk, have a snack (no—you might want to head into this post on an empty stomach), and prepare yourself emotionally for the details.

“Moose Shootin’ Mama” will be played at rallies and appearances (and maybe even when she takes the stage for next Thursday’s VP debate, a la the tune accompanying a boxer as he makes his way to the ring) between now and the election—when hopefully it will be consigned to the scrapheap of election-season oddities and Sarah Palin fades back into Alaskan obscurity.

Pat Garrett, who has an amphitheater in Strausstown featuring country music performances, and makes area appearances (including the Pat Garrett Country Jubilee Dinner Show at Riveredge in November, a surefire barnburner), has written “topical” songs in the past, including “The Saddam Stomp” (sample lyrics: “We’re the USA, / and we’re on the way, / it’s gonna be a romp, / you’re gonna get stomped, / a-hey-hey”) and “The Monica Lewinsky Polka” (sample lyrics: “Hey Monica! / Oh Monica! / Put on your blue dress / and get under my desk / mm-hmm!”), among other songs.

[Alright, I made up the lyrics for the Monica song; I haven’t heard it and wasn’t able to find it. But I’m guessing they’re at about that intellectual level, anyway. The Saddam lyrics are all too real, as are the ones below.]

As much as I wish I could go back to the time before I read an article about this song, before I actually heard the thing—several times, because I needed to report it to you fine people—before I heard of Pat Garrett, and indeed, before I had ever heard of Sarah Palin…sadly, it cannot be. The bell cannot be unrung. The cows are out of the barn. Whatever. It’s all over.

Here are the lyrics for “Moose Shootin’ Mama” in their entirety. I swear they are real:

Well she’s a moose shootin’ mama
And she’ll help keep our country free
She’s a moose shootin’ mama
She’ll make a great VP

When she looks you in the eye
You know that girl just don’t lie
She’s a moose shootin’ mama
Yes, Sarah is the girl for me

She’ll help the prez keep our taxes down
And clean up Washington
Get them pork-barrel boys on the run
Man, this is gonna be fun

And it’s drill, baby, drill
Cause we’re paying way too much
Maybe what this country needs is a woman’s touch

It would be almost redundant to bother with a full-on explication of these lyrics, which manage to both praise and condescend paternalistically to the first female Republican Vice-Presidential nominee in history. Equally as redundant would be a point-by-point panning of the pungent awfulness of the song, riddled as it is with tired clichés and forced rhymes. But I can’t help myself: “drill, baby, drill”?! Breathe, Monsoon, breathe.

If you’re a glutton for punishment, check out the video of Pat Garrett’s interview and performance of “Moose Shootin’ Mama” on Fox 29’s “Good Day Philadelphia” or a video which features the song playing across a backdrop of Palin photos.

In other Palin news, I wanted to direct you to a webpage called “The Truth About Sarah Palin,” which has anecdotes, some alarming (and—be warned—kind of disturbing) pictures, as well as a fully annotated list of reasons (from legitimate, reliable sources) one should think twice before voting for a McCain/Palin ticket; it includes such breathtaking revelations as “She promotes aerial hunting of wolves and bears [from airplanes]” who “offered a bounty of $150 for each front leg of freshly killed wolves,” and “As mayor of Wasilla, she made rape victims pay for their own forensic evidence kits.” Damning stuff.

Finally, I have been reading and hearing about folks across this vast country who have “fallen for” Sarah Palin—they watched her speech, they see her interviews, and they’re drawn to her in ways (and for reasons) even they can’t fully explain. They’re turning up at rallies screaming like 11-year-old girls at a Jonas Brothers concert, and putting McCain/Palin signs in their yards. Setting aside theories sexist (they quite simply think she’s hot) and conspiratorial (the Republican Party embedded digital mind-control signals in the broadcasted speech), I think it’s important for Democrats—and all of us interested in electoral politics—to find out why.

I know Sarah Palin’s popularity is waning after the “bump” of her speech (and the fact that she was a shiny new object on the national stage)—her “favorable ratings” went down 10 points net in just a few days, perhaps due to the persistent lying of the McCain campaign, and perhaps because some Americans, instead of taking the campaign’s word that she’s “good people,” have stuck their heads up the butcher’s ass and seen the real bull’s … asshole? Head? The bull’s head is a t-bone? (Damn, how does that go?) Anyway, she’s still far more popular than seems reasonable to me, and she could (in my deepest, darkest nightmares, I must admit) tip the election.

And so I ask you this, my dear readers: Why? I’m looking for theories from Obama supporters, undecideds, and the indifferent. I’m also (and especially) looking for any Palin supporters reading this to email me with their reasons. Call up your Aunt Linda, who once supported Hillary Clinton but now supports the McCain/Palin ticket, and ask her: Why? I seriously need to know. Tell me. Make me understand. I’m not kidding. Spill it.

Thank you.

Monsoon