monsoonmartin

It's FLASHBACK FRIDAY again, kids!  I'd like to take you back to the beginning of the 2005-06 school year, when I opened with a story about my wife, me, a turtle, and the Pennsylvania Turnpike.  Enjoy!  --Monsoon

What I Did On My Summer Vacation by Monsoon Martin

Monday, 29 August 2005

“I have a question for you, Glen. Think back to July 18^th. Were you…walking on the Pennsylvania Turnpike?” This seemingly off-the-wall question posed by a colleague last week took me back to one of the most exhilarating, strange, well-intentioned, but ill-advised memories of my summer vacation. “Yes, that was me,” I replied sheepishly, and was quite understandably called upon to explain why.

First, let me inaugurate the 2005-06 school year with the forecast for the next few days. I wish I could say it’s going to be sunny and pleasant with low humidity as we begin the school year. But alas, I cannot. That kind of weather will have to wait until next week…

Monday night : Scattered showers and thunderstorms may develop in the evening. Due to the influx of tropical moisture, it will be quite humid. Low 68.

Tuesday : The first day of school for Muhlenberg. Mostly cloudy in the morning, with showers and thunderstorms developing in the afternoon. Rain could be heavy at times as the moisture from Katrina begins to be drawn into our area. Humid. High 83, low 70.

Wednesday : The first day of school for Mifflin. The remnants of Hurricane Katrina will come through midday Wednesday into Thursday. As of now, it appears this system will track a bit west of our area, but will still produce moderate winds and some heavy downpours. An inch to two inches of rain may fall Tuesday into Wednesday; more could fall in some locations. We need the rain, but this heavy rainfall could produce localized flooding. Watch for gusty thunderstorms. Still humid. High 83, low 66.

On July 18^th, in the late afternoon, Kachina and I were motoring peacefully westbound on the Pennsylvania Turnpike, when suddenly my sweet wife exclaimed, “A turtle! Did you see that?” Since I was focused on the safe operation of our motor vehicle, I had not. Before I could answer, this reasonable woman said, “Pull over!” As luck would have it, there was a “pull-off” just ahead on the right. We pulled off and had barely come to a complete stop when this otherwise rational, sane woman said, “I’ve got to go get that turtle!” and bounded out of the car, walking alongside the Pennsylvania Turnpike.

At this point it is prudent to cite regulation 601.10 from the Turnpike’s rules, of which we were then blissfully unaware: “Pedestrian travel or entry on the right-of-way of the Turnpike System is prohibited.”

Bewildered, but deciding that I didn’t want my dear spouse to be running around on the Turnpike alone, I waited a moment and then walked after her, back to the site where she had seen the turtle. By the time I arrived, Kachina had already walked across two lanes of automobiles traveling at 70 miles per hour or better, and was trying to pick up an object that was about the size of a hubcap—a monster truck hubcap—and was brownish green in color. The turtle had evidently tried to cross the road, but had made it only halfway (miraculously without being flattened by a speeding tractor trailer in the westbound lanes) before its journey was cruelly stymied by the concrete barrier in the middle.

A split second later Kachina recoiled from the animal, then dashed back across the road to where I was waiting. “It tried to bite me!” she said with an admixture of outrage, shock, and fear, since it should have been obvious to the imperiled creature that she was only trying to help. And then: “You go pick it up!” I then crossed all the fast traffic and came face to face with the prehistoric reptile. The beast, in a word, was pissed.

Thursday : Katrina scoots by; rain ending in the A.M. Some peeks of sunshine in the afternoon. High 84, low 62.

Friday : The tropical moisture is pushed out of the area and high pressure settles in. Dramatic decrease in humidity; mostly sunny skies. High 81, low 60.

Saturday : Continued pleasant and sunny. High 80, low 58.

Right about now, dear reader, you may be thinking: These are two seemingly level-headed educators. Why in the hell did they think it was a good idea to go running around the Turnpike after a turtle? Didn’t they think to call someone? Or just keep driving? And all I can say is, No. We did not.

After a few unsuccessful attempts to pick the being up myself—forestalled by its prodigiously long neck and powerful jaws—we felt we needed a different tack in capturing the wayward animal and returning it to safety. My wife, who solves a dizzying array of problems each and every day in her classroom, proposed this solution: “I know! I’ll get my coat. We can throw it over the turtle”—presumably to disorient it—“and then we’ll be able to pick it up.” As Kachina went to get her coat in the car, she motioned for me to come back to the side of the road from my current location—next to the concrete traffic divider with my new friend. I did not understand this motion and gave her the thumbs-up. I remained in the middle of the Pennsylvania Turnpike.

I spent part of this time noting the faces of drivers as they scorched past me—faces that said, “What the bloody hell is that guy doing? Is he crazy?” I spent the other portion of my quiet time reasoning with the turtle, which according to my wife was more than a little bit amusing to behold. “Alright, now, my friend. Let’s cut the crap. I’m only trying to help you. No—now, hissing at me is just unfriendly. I’m going to pick you up and—OK, maybe I’m not. Boy, you almost really bit me that time, you little—”

“Honey?” Kachina said. “Had any luck talking to the turtle?” My sullen deportment said all she needed to know. As planned, we placed the jacket over the turtle’s head. The turtle bit the jacket. We could not pick up the great creature. Our last-ditch plan was an unqualified failure.

Just then, I caught a flash of inspiration as I looked at the turtle’s alligator-like tail. If I could pick it up by the tail, perhaps then it would not be able to separate my hand from my arm. This just might work, I said to myself, as if hatching a plan in a movie. As Kachina watched for a break in traffic, I seized the beast—hissing and snapping futilely—by the tail, and ran across the road, inadvertently scraping its head slightly on the shoulder of the roadway. I deposited the turtle in a grassy area past the guardrail to ensure it would be safe, and it scampered (really, this thing could move) away from danger. (Whether it perceived the speeding vehicles or the two of us as a greater danger, I cannot say.)  I believe my wife and I actually high-fived to celebrate this best of all possible scenarios: the turtle and both Martins had escaped the ordeal with their lives.

Sunday : More of the same: sunny and pleasant. High 80, low 58.

Monday : More of the same. High 78, low 57.

Back to school projection for Tuesday through Friday : We will have highs in the upper 70s and lows in the upper 50s with little humidity and pleasant breezes. (Rain is possible toward the end of next week.) Hopefully this weather will begin to dispel some of the stale air and stifling heat that has been collecting in the building all summer long. Soon enough, children whining about the heat, pitted-out dress shirts, and fainting spells will be distant memories…

A postscript to our tale: As we made our way back to the car, a state police car went by and flashed its lights at us; soon after, a Pennsylvania Turnpike worker stopped on the other side of the road, made his way across to us, and asked what was going on. We explained as briefly and reasonably as possible. His only comment was, “Well, I guess you’ve done your good deed for the day.” And we were off.

We didn’t realize it at the time, but our encounter was with an American Snapping Turtle (chelydra serpentina) weighing about 30 to 40 pounds. According to my research, these reptiles spend most of their time in fresh water and are characterized by muscular legs and long, saw-edged tails. Since the plastron (underside) of the turtle is much smaller than the carapace (upper part of the shell), this turtle cannot draw itself into its shell to protect itself. Therefore, when threatened on dry land, the turtle become aggressive (no kidding!), using the powerful jaws that gave the animal its common name to defend itself. Its neck can reach back halfway to its tail, so the range of motion is extraordinary, allowing the animal to “snap” quite effectively. It strikes with amazing speed and force; its powerful jaws can tear flesh quite badly.

These animals typically only come out on dry land from late June to mid July to dig a nest and lay eggs (so, we reasoned, our friend must have been a mama snapper looking for a place to lay her eggs). A lot of the best nesting sites are near roads, which is unfortunate for the turtles. Snapping turtles like to nest in the soft sand and gravel of road shoulders. The eggs need to be above water to survive, so the females search out dry gravely spots to lay their eggs. Snapping turtles have also been known to travel more than a mile to mate or lay eggs, putting them in harm’s way as they end up crossing roads. Sadly, many adult female snapping turtles are killed every year, during the egg laying season, on our roads and highways.

For most of their lives, they like to hang out in shallow lakes, streams or swamps with lots of plants. The snapper eats invertebrates, carrion, aquatic plants, fish, birds, and small mammals. It spends most of its time in the water, either floating close to the surface, or lying in the mud in shallower water (usually, with only eyes and nostrils protruding).

And that, friends, is how I spent my summer vacation.

Monsoon